WELLINGTON (2 October 2011) - There has been widespread rioting and looting in New Zealand following an injury to rugby player Daniel Carter putting him out of the Rugby World Cup. Following the announcement that the influential number ten was injured at training on Saturday, the country descended immediately into an orgy of destruction with all but seventeeen of the four million members of the population out on the streets venting their anger and disgust on any animate or inanimate object in their path.
The largest city, Auckland, now resembles Dresden after World War 2 and the provincial cities of Napier, New Plymouth, Nelson and Invercargill have already been reclaimed by the sea. The only city with apparently no ill effects is Palmerston North which was already such a dump that no amount of rioting has any noticeable effect.
Sheep molestations trebled over night, well up from the baseline level of 120,000 cases per hour; while several unfortunate individuals have been pressganged into All Blacks service including 23 year old Colin Slade, a man with no previous rugby experience. Overnight former All Blacks first-five, Stephen Donald, declared himself "King of the Caliphate of Hamilton" and has begun rounding up and summarily executing any dissenters to his potentially disastrous plan to be reinstated to the team.
All Blacks coach Graham Henry, who will be executed under New Zealand law if he fails to secure the world championship title on his second attempt, commented "Oh woe is me, woe is me. We're doomed, absolutely f**ked" when asked what New Zealand's chances were. He was last seen carrying a large suitcase and attempting to board a Vietnamese cargo ship.
Primeminister and world's-most-photographed man, John Key, who previously stated his country will declare war on any nation who win a tighthead against the All Black scrum, has now indicated that New Zealand will cede sovereignty and beome the seventh state of Australia should the William Webb-Ellis cup not be secured. "If Australia doesn't want us, we're also prepared to fall under the protection of Fiji or to become a kabupaten of Indonesia" said the normally inanely smiling Key, looking very worried indeed.
